BASTARD SYSTEM MANAGER FROM HELL #7 - The BSMFH Meets The Auditor =================================== Well, I'm back. The seat of power is occupied again. Just when you thought it was safe to log on again.... I've had my long holiday, three months in the Bahamas to recover from the shock of all of the deaths in the computer room. It's ten to eleven, time for work. I knew it. First thing I discover when I get back is the Big Boss has shafted me. Just when I'd got the the Digital salesman drooling; he'd offered me his wife for the weekend and everything. The bastard pulled the plug on my VAX deal. It seems that my four 10000s have been cancelled. Replacement IBMs are on order. The Big Boss has a new Mercedes registration IAM-4-IBM. Subtle or what. Well, I know how to fix him. This calls for an attack of the Auditors. Just as well I flick through the secretaries' mail files, as I found out the the Big Boss's secretary is having an affair with the flunky Unix System Manager. I didn't even know that Unix System Managers had sex lives. She was supposed to be loyal to the Big Boss, if you know what I mean. Anyhow, the Big Boss never reads anything she asks him to sign, so... A-day, Audit Day, is tomorrow, so I'd better prepare. (although you probably knew that was coming by now). Six months worth of evidence should be enough. A-day. I'm in at nine. No way in Hell am I not meeting the Auditor first. He's got a look in his eye that would make Hell a very chilly place, and we all know what I think about cold places. Cream sours as he passes. He is the Auditor. "Good morning," I fawn. I haven't been this nice since I was after that girl in LALRD (guess, I dare you!). He notes down 'System Manager surly on arrival.' This could be tough. I put mouth on full throttle. They always like that, it makes them think you're scared. "Did you have a nice trip down? How's the hotel? ... " Five minutes of this and he smiles. He thinks 'Gotcha, a stupid system manager'. I think 'Gotcha, a predictable auditor'. "Your job must be very interesting. I mean I wanted to be an auditor, but I didn't have the qualifications." Hook, line and sinker. He'd even tell me his username now. He writes 'System Manager - good lad, limited experience, but has potential'. I knew those classes in reading up side down would come in useful. "Now," the inquisition starts, "can you tell me about the accident in the computer room." I give him four hours and 204 e-mail messages (all written yesterday) dating back six months covering all the things auditors love: health and safety, procedures, backups, procedures, security, procedures, reporting and procedures. To save time, I print off all of the Big Boss's 'responses' to my notes. It seems that the Big Boss was not interested in setting up a safety policy (after procedure, there's no word an auditor likes more than policy). He wasn't interested in procedurising and automating (another key word) backups, despite my warnings. Four hours of all this evidence (another key word) and the Auditor is buying me lunch. By close of play the Auditor has cancelled his meeting with the Big Boss and gone home to write his report. I take a couple of days holiday and play follow-the-auditor. He lives in a nice four bedroomed suburban house. That evening I buy a video camera and the services of a hard working girl (not for me you understand). Next day whilst the auditor is at work and his wife is out shopping we visit his house and make an artistic home movie. I'm the director and cameraman, she's the cast, it's sure to be a winner. Can you imagine the effect on a wife of seeing a video recorded in your own home of a naked lady simulating (and sometimes actually having) sex with herself whilst continually calling out to the camera the auditor's name, imploring him to 'do it to her now, as she's been a bad girl'. The Auditor can imagine this and so agrees to my line of thinking. I don't gamble. Ever. On Monday morning one hundred and forty six pages land with a thump on H/DEE's (you'll like that one!) desk. Now H/DEE is also known as the Enormous Boss, by ten the Big Boss is summoned to meet H/DEE. By twelve the Big Boss's desk is cleared and the vacancy notice is issued. Mess with the VAXes, mess with me. Time for lunch.