BASTARD SYSTEM MANAGER FROM HELL #6 - Health And Safety Issues =================================== It's Sunday afternoon, the footie's on the TV and I'm in the computer room. Have I flipped? Was it a backup too far? No. There's no-one here. The IBM operators have buggered off to watch the game. For the next ninety minutes I'm alone. Just me twenty water fire extinguishers and my electrical tool kit. And of course the dead IBM engineer. Seems someone covered up the ventilation holes on the back of the IBM and the poor bugger was roasted alive. Anyway, to work. Eighty nine minutes later my Porsche is roaring off. One minute later thirty four IBM operators pull up in a convoy of three Fiat Pandas and go back to their beds. Monday morning I'm in early, I don't want to miss this. The Digital engineer is waiting for me. "Where have you been? It's half past ten," he growls. Sweet as sunshine, I smile. "Sorry, had a bit of trouble with the car. She's getting old. Unfortunately systems managers don't get paid much." Well, what does he know. He looks down his nose and smiles a really smarmy smile. "We get lease cars." Course you do. Two hours later the engineer's finished cabling up the new VAX and he's powered on. He's now only a handicap to me. There's no way he's going to touch a keyboard. So... I call my old friend Cruthers. "Cruthers, I've my man in the computer room. He wants to now where you want the VAX moved to. I've a few things to do. Could you show him how far to move it." "Move it, Old Boy? Oh, yes, my chappie in the IBM. Roger and wilco." I give him five minutes to get into the computer room. I change the security door code and disable the automatic opening from inside. Two minutes later I call the IBM operators, anonymously. "THERE'S A FIRE IN THE COMPUTER ROOM. DO SOMETHING." It takes thirty seconds to filter into his brain. Then he picks up his IBM operator's manual. Two minutes later he's got the right page. In large letters it's got 'IN CASE OF FIRE, RELEASE THE HALON EXTINGUISHERS'. He looks up halon extinguishers and two minutes after that hits the fire alarm button. Thirty seconds until the computer room is flooded with halon gas. The operators file out of there room, meet Cruthers and my engineer on the way and walk calmly to the security door. Ten seconds later they realise the door won't open. They have twenty seconds until the room gets a major dose of halons. Some of the more resistant ones amongst them notice that above all of the IBMs a water extinguisher is going off, instead of a halon. There are sparks every where. Thirty minutes later, I enter the room. Security door code reset. Ten minutes later I'm screaming off to an early lunch appointment, with twenty empty water extinguishers in my boot. I'm back from lunch promptly at two. There are police and ambulances every where. Fat lot of good it'll do, they need more than 15kV to bring them back. The Big Boss calls. "Ah, you're back. Can you come up a minute. There's been a bit of an accident." "Be there in five minutes. I've just got to check the state of the system. I've been out to lunch. I don't like to go out after until I've checked it out personally" "Most professional." Four and a half minutes later, I'm in front of the Big Boss. "It seems there's been a bit of bother here," he begins. A bit of bother! One person, thirty five IBM flunkies (call it one and a half people), six IBMs blown up and he calls it a bit of bother. "It looks like the pressure of working with IBMs finally got to the operators. They've apparently gone mad and gassed themselves, after blowing up all the IBMs." "Oh dear," I reply, sympathy oozing from every pore. "Was anyone hurt?" "Only your poor Digital engineer. The bastards locked him in there with them. I'll be filling out forms for ten years for that. Anyway, IBM operators are obviously unstable. We'll replace the blown up IBMs with VAXes, at least you're not going to kill anyone." "Quite," I add. Boy, do I look like an angel now. "I'll leave the details to you. What do you recommend?" "Well, the IBMs were doing a lot of work. But, I think VAXes are more efficient, so maybe we can get away with four 10000s." "Okay. Obviously we'll need some more system managers too help you run the new kit. Would you like the new job of Senior Systems Manager?" "Well..." "I can give you an extra 50% on pay and a new company car." "Can I recruit the new boys myself? I've been here for a while now. Day to day running, I know what to look for et cetera." "Ideal man for the job. Couldn't have thought of anything better myself. So, I can leave it all to you, can I? Only I'm due on the golf course in twenty minutes." "Of course you can sir. And good luck with your game." Two 6000s to four 10000s in one week. You can't just pray for these things, you've got to prey for them!