BASTARD SYSTEM MANAGER FROM HELL #2 - The Art of the Expense Claim
===================================

I come in, raring to go.  I've got a full morning's work ahead of me.  It's
only a quarter to twelve.  I pick up my in tray.  It contains lots of user
requests for more disk quota / more privilege / an account.  I hate those
whinging users.  Straight through my shredder into the waste paper bin.  That's
efficiency for you.

I log in to my twenty seven windows at priority ten.  The cluster goes belly
up.  I really must fake those usage stats to justify that nice new 9000 I've
been promising myself.

The phone rings.  Ah, a little entertainment before lunch.

"Hello, is that the System Manager?" he asks meekly, but not reverently enough
for my liking.

"Yes," I reply.  "How can I help you?"

Rule number one: Be nice, until you've got their username.

"It's Accounts here.  We seem to have a slight problem.  It appears that due to
a computer error we paid you $50,000 last month in expenses for your trip to
the System Managers Conference."

"Yes?" I reply cautiously, does he know?

"Well, the expense claim states that it should have been $50."

Quick as a flash, I flip the excuses calendar.  Sun Spots.  Hum, could work.
<clickety, clickety>.

"Are you sure that the actual value in the computer was $50,000?  We've had a
lot of trouble with the VDUs recently.  It's Sun Spots, you know.  The
radiation is of a different wavelength to that emitted from the VDU and the
effect is that the screen handler can be confused and repeat characters.  Seems
to happen mostly with digits for some reason.  Must be their position in the
ASCII table."

He is on the verge of swallowing this, but then:

"But hold on.  It's on my print out as well."

These personal printers.  The bane of my life.

"Is that a laser printer?"

"Yes," he replies confidently.  

Gotcha.

<DUMMY MODE ON>

"Laser printers produce their printouts by leaving a thin coat of toner to be
baked onto the paper.  The Sun Spot radiation can upset the electrostatic
forces that distribute the toner, causing random repeated characters to
appear."

I sit back and smile.  I've got his username.  If he doesn't swallow this he's
going to be sorry.

"Oh, I see.  Ah, I've just checked again and the figure shows $50."

"See, I told you.  Sun Spot activity must be dropping.  If the problem shows up
again, I wouldn't worry, it's just Sun Spots."

"Thanks very much.  Bye."

There's one born every minute.  I love 'em all.  That fifty grand is for my
Porsche.

Just to be on the safe side, I phone my cousin the Bastard Operator From Hell.

"Simon, it's just come to my notice that the chap from Accounts has falsified
records to try to hide his paying $49950 into his bank account."

"No, he hasn't.  I was looking into his bank account yesterday."  Replies the
BOFH.

"Yes, he has," I assert, "See to it."

"Understood."

The outgoings will now tally nicely, especially when the Finance Director gets
that anonymous tip off about his accountant.  

I think I'll order one in red, yes, bright red.

Rule number two: Once you've got their username, it's time to not be nice.